Oh, dear readers! Let me tell you about the day I took my dear friend, Catacomb, to the Feline Paradise spa. Catacomb is a lovely feline, but a bit of a scaredy-cat when it comes to trying new things. I knew that she would be hesitant about a day of pampering, but I convinced her that it would be worth it. And boy, was I right! Well, I guess we need to let that cat meow for herself:

I’m always on the lookout for the latest trends. So when my friend, Caty, suggested we try out the newest spa in town, I was all in. Little did I know that this would turn out to be the most harrowing experience of my nine lives.

Let me tell you, cats are not meant for spas. As soon as I entered, I could feel the tension building up inside me. The scent of lavender and rosemary did nothing to calm my frayed nerves. But Caty was bouncing with excitement, so I decided to give it a shot.

The first thing they had us do was a foot soak. Now, I don’t mind dipping my paws in water, but this was a little too much. The water was too hot, the bubbles too frothy, and the massage too intense. I tried to pull my paw out, but the attendant held it firmly in place. I hissed in protest, but she didn’t seem to care. After what felt like an eternity, the foot soak was finally over.

Next up was the massage. I was looking forward to this part, but boy, was I wrong. The masseuse had these long, sharp nails that dug into my skin. I yowled in pain, but she just purred and continued her assault. I tried to escape, but she held me down with her other paw. Eventually, she finished, and I was left feeling more battered than relaxed.

Finally, it was time for the bath. I have to admit, this was the part I was dreading the most. I hate water, and I hate being wet. But Caty was already in the tub, so I reluctantly followed suit. The water was lukewarm, but the shampoo smelled weird. As soon as I felt the water on my fur, I knew I had made a mistake. I tried to jump out, but the attendant held me in place again. I meowed in protest, but she just cooed and continued to scrub me down. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

When it was finally over, I was whisked away to the blow dryer. The heat was intense, and the sound was deafening. I tried to cover my ears with my paws, but they were too wet to do anything. I meowed in distress, but the attendant just smiled and continued to dry me off.

All in all, it was a traumatic experience that I never want to go through again. I don’t understand why cats are subjected to such torture. Give me a nice, warm patch of sunshine any day.

— Catacomb