Hey there, fellow felines! It’s your favorite cat correspondent, Caty Zuzu, and today I want to talk about something that’s been itching me like a flea: why we cats hate baths. Yes, even cats as cool as me (and as cool as Garfield, Tom, and Sylvester) can’t stand the thought of getting wet and soapy.

As a proud stray cat, I’ve always prided myself on being self-sufficient and able to take care of my own grooming needs. However, my human friends seem to have a different idea. They keep hinting that I need a bath, which is a concept I find utterly ridiculous.

I mean, have they seen how much time and effort I put into keeping my fur clean and shiny? I spend hours every day grooming myself, making sure that every whisker and hair is in place. And yet, my humans seem to think that a hose and some shampoo will do a better job. Ha! As if.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that they provide me with a safe place to sleep at night. But the idea of being forcibly bathed with water and soap is not something that appeals to me in the slightest. I’d much rather continue my tried-and-true method of self-grooming, thank you very much.

I mean, let’s face it, water is not our jam. We’re not otters or seals or dolphins. We’re cats, and we like to keep things dry and fluffy. But there’s always that one human who thinks it’s a good idea to dunk us in a tub and douse us with shampoo. And let’s be honest, it’s not our idea of a good time. Sure, we might lick ourselves every once in a while, but that’s only because we have to keep up appearances. A lot of house cats look good all the time. Personally I think it’s because otherwise the paparazzi (aka their owners) will start taking embarrassing photos of them and posting them all over social media.

Take my buddy, Tommy, for example. He’s a domestic cat who lives down the street, and that guy is obsessed with water. I mean, he jumps in every puddle he sees like he’s auditioning for a cat version of Splash. It’s like he’s part fish or something. 

But most of us cats, like me, prefer to avoid water at all costs. For starters, there’s the whole water thing. Water is wet, and wetness is just not a sensation that we like. 

And then there’s the soap. Oh, the soap. Have you ever smelled soap?. It’s like trying to smell a rose that’s been doused in gasoline. And when you’re forced to sit in a tub of soapy water, all that scent just clings to your fur and makes you smell like a walking air freshener.

But you know what’s worse than the smell? The feeling. Have you ever had to endure the torture of being lathered up and rinsed off like a piece of dirty laundry? It’s like being in a car wash, but instead of a car, it’s your whole body. And let’s not forget about the blow dryer. That thing is like a hurricane in a tube. I’m surprised it doesn’t blow us away.

So, my fellow feline friends, let’s stick together on this. We may have our differences, but when it comes to baths, we’re all in the same boat. And that boat is sinking. So if you see a human coming at you with a bottle of shampoo and a towel, just remember to run, hide, or scratch. Trust me, it’s for your own good.